I have a hard time answering the question “how was India?!” Still 2 months later there is no easy, simple answer to it. It was good and bad, horrible and awesome, fantastic and dreadful-an adventure of a lifetime. Some adventures are exhilarating, and some nauseatingly stressful. This trip was both, and so was the country. A giant contradiction of itself that I never quite seemed to be able to wrap my brain around.

Logically I knew it would be tough. I knew I didn’t care for Indian food before I went, I thought I could handle it. Turns out I just didn’t understand the scope. When you’re tired from traveling, and your brain starts to play tricks on you because it isn’t getting the nutrition and sleep it requires things happen that are out of your control. You are aware of them happening, but all the normal everyday defenses you have to keep extremes at bay don’t work like they should. The highs are really high and the lows even lower. I cried at the drop of a hat (or perhaps something that falls faster, but we all know gravity makes things fall at the same speed.) And I’m not talking a few tears and laugh it away kind of cry. I’m talking why the hell won’t my eyes stop pouring out salty water right now kind of tears. And the littlest things will set you off. The look of happiness on your friends face as she looks into her husbands eyes. The silliness of a group of 6 weary Americans going a little crazy in a mall, next to a peculiar statue. Meeting people that you can’t imagine the rest of your life without, and you wonder how you made it this far in life without them until that moment. The fun and laughter you have dancing to songs you have no idea what the singers are saying but everyone around you moves and smiles and you can’t help but join in.

Hilarity ensues

I had my guard completely down and completely up all at the same time. In public it was a constant barrage of noises, sounds, hums of machinery and cars, honking, and people. I am an introvert. I need a bit of quiet, alone time to recharge my batteries. You do not get that in India. There is no space for it. So in private with the few who I let in, I let everything fall down. My guard, my walls, my defenses gone. And that’s when they strike. When you’re at your most vulnerable and have no way to realize someone has breached the strong hold until they’re already inside. And what can you do then? Nothing. You just have to ride out the storm and see if the tornado spits you out in one piece, on a piece of land not utterly destroyed, that you can rebuild on when the clouds have cleared.

I have a new best friend. She’s traveling the globe right now with her husband. Thank my lucky stars she lives here in Denver, and in a few short months I’ll get her back. I have their wedding clothes held hostage in my closet, but I know I don’t need them in order to see her again. She feels it too, and I am pretty sure if I hadn’t met her, I would have been an utter wreck much sooner in the week. She’s an amazing woman, and I try and draw on her courage and strength when I need some. I can’t wait for them to come home.

Ceremony Day. Three brunettes and a blonde go to India.

Being an American Woman in a foreign country that regards their own women much differently than what you’re used to is very difficult. Inside you’re screaming “but I’m a normal human being too!!!! There’s no difference between us.” On the outside you have to play the game. There are a lot more of them than you. You don’t speak the language, you don’t know all the customs, you have no idea what is appropriate and what isn’t. Because even the way they nod their heads to say yes is something new.  Not to mention my fair skin, hair and eyes. Perhaps they really did think I was a movie star (being told I look like Scarlet Johansson often). Either way, it’s too intense, because their staring isn’t a no-no like it is here. And they don’t even blink when they do it, or smile at you appreciatively. It’s like you’re a car accident they can’t tear their eyes away from, or a performer in a Freak Show Cage. Unnerving and uncomfortable by the end of my trip I was never so happy to be thought German on my Lufthansa flight home, and to walk through the airport being passed by like everyone else.

My travel buddy, roommate and overall saving Grace.

The other side of that being there were times when I WAS myself. I made big Punjabi men scared of me. I got congratulations from women at the wedding, “Way to go!” I stole the shoe, you see.

Joota Chupai-Stealing of the jutti. I sat on his feet.

The tradition of Joota Chupai has the brides’ sisters/cousins/family members take the Groom’s shoes and hold them for ransom, to be bought back by the Groom’s side. It’s supposed to be fun, and let me tell you muscling my way through to get that shoe was fun, despite a few scrapes and scratches from the rhinestones on the jutti. It should also be stated that indeed, this white girl can dance. As it has been declared so by equally capable dancers of Indian descent (Aj and Rai to be precise).

My wedding Mehndi-one of my only saving graces when I traveled north. You could tell when passers by would say “Ooh, nice mehndi,” in Hindi. The darker it gets the better. I was told it will mean that your husband will love you more……

The thing I take from the whole thing is this: I do not regret going for a minute. I truly had an adventure of a lifetime. I saw things many people only see in pictures. I spent my 33rd birthday 1/2 way around the world from where I grew up, and it was one of the best days of my life. My trip to India changed my life forever, in many drastic ways and it will shape the rest of my life to come. Sometimes we have to do the things that scare us the most in order to live life fully. To become a better version of ourselves.  Because letting our guard down may let in some painful things, but it also lets in the really awesome ones too. It is not all sunshine and marigolds, but as long as we embrace the good and the bad, the horrible and the wonderful altogether and just keep moving everything is worth it in the end. It makes us who we are.